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Friday, February 21st, 2003
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7:30 pm
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More mail. Yay. Oh, well.
Yo Cell,
I remember when you used to be in a comic book. You were great, man. I loved that comic book. The show was good, too.
Anyway, I've got a problem. You see, everywhere I go, I've got lots of girls chasing me. For most guys this would be great, but it just gets on my nerves, and gets in the way of my training. A lot of these girls think I'm engaged to them, usually because of my father's stupidity.
Also, because of a... um, "problem" I have, I often have guys chasing after me as well. This is quite frustrating. How can I get these people to leave me alone so I can concentrate on the important things in life: martial arts!
-Frustrated in Furinkan
Cell says: Gohan? Sorry, I was just reminded of him when you mentioned your father's stupidity.
Anyway, you do indeed have a problem. The problem is that you are a pansy. Think about it. You are complaining about girls chasing after you. What the hell is wrong with you?
If you really want to get rid of these women, then kill them. This will be easy, if you are the competent martial artist you claim to be. Granted, you're no Perfect Cell. But then, who is? Besides me, I mean.
You must take drastic measures to make your life the way you want it, or otherwise people will just walk all over you. Best of luck.
Dearest Cell,
I'm having a problem with the one I love. It seems no matter what I try to do, I can never get him to return my affections. I chase after him, he runs. I play hard to get, he ignores me. I give him space, he keeps away. I smother him, he beats me up. What am I to do? Please help me win the heart of the one I love!
-Lovesick in Hell
Cell says: For God's sakes, Freeza! Leave me alone! I don't like you! Not now, and not ever! STOP STALKING ME! NO MEANS NO!
h3y c3ll
1 g07 7h47 n3w g4m3 dbz: bud0k41 1tz d4 b0mb y0. h0w d0 1 m4k3 g0ku p0w3r up? 1 m34n l1k3 ssj3 or ssj4 y0. c4n 1 d0 th47? 7hnx by3 u d4 b0mb y0.
-sup3rbuu73nx4583
Cell says: Yeah, I rock in that game, don't I? Anyway, no, you cannot get SSJ3 or SSJ4 in that game. It goes up to the Cell Saga, not the Buu Saga, and not DBGT. So they are not in the game. Too bad. And I don't appreciate you sending me this e-mail 52 times, either.
Dear Cell,
Hey. I know we haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but anyway, I've got this problem. My mom, she nags me a lot. I know she means well, but it gets on my nerves. Back when my dad was alive, it was a little better, because even though she bossed him around, he could sometimes convince her to give me a break and let me train or just enjoy being a kid. Now I can't even get any play with my girlfriend because my mom always wants me studying for college exams or whatever. Please help.
-Henpecked Super Saiyan
Cell says: I hate you, you little brat. Die.
Anyway, follow the advice I gave the last guy in my last column. Stand up to your mom and tell that bitch that you're a man, and if she gets in your way again you'll put her through a tree.
And by the way, you've got some screwed-up parents. Your dad was a good-for-nothing deadbeat, and your mom is a total bitch. Sucks to be you. Anyway, maybe you could get her to do some actual parenting on your brother, since he's in desperate need of it. Or has she already given up on him? I couldn't blame her for that.
Dear Cell,
I heard you had some movies coming out. I asked around at the theaters and they said they didn't know anything. What's up? I want to see your flicks, man. They sound smokin'!
-Your Biggest Fan
Cell says: My movies have been delayed. Yes, all of them. It seems I've been blacklisted by most Hollywood Studios. All because I blew up a major portion of Los Angeles when they suggested that the Rock play me in the proposed live-action DBZ movie.
Um, the Rock? No.
"DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE CELL IS COOKING?"
Um, no.
Anyway, who knows when my movies will finally be released. I'm currently shopping around for producers, and I may go the independent movie route, so that means no big-budget premiere and possibly no big name costars.
But I stand up for my principles, regardless of the cost.
The Rock?
God no.
That's all. Why do people keep e-mailing me?
current mood: arrogant
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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3:57 pm
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Would you believe, after I did that article on that website (which has since been deleted), people STILL write to me and ask me for advice? It's true. So I've decided to answer some of these people here.
Dear Cell,
I have a problem. I believe my husband used to be a member of the KGB. I met him a few years ago, and he seems like a nice guy. We got married and mostly it's been working out great. But everytime he sees a story on the news about Russia he gets a misty look in his eyes. Also, he's a huge Communist sympathizer. He speaks perfect English, though, and says he was born right here in the USA. How can I find out if my husband was in the KGB?
-KGB Wife
Cell says: KGB Wife, the KGB are known for their duplicity and cleverness. However, if your husband was in the KGB, there will be some telltale signs. Does he ever speak in Russian in his sleep? Does he frequently express disgust at the taste of American or Finnish vodka? Did he angrily stomp off when the Canadians got a gold medal in pairs figure skating in the 2002 Olympics? Does his watch have a wire that can be pulled out to choke people? Does he have an AK-47, either laying around in plain site or hidden? These are all signs that he may have been in the KGB.
Cell,
Greetings. I am an upperclassman at a school in Japan. I am in love with two women. Unfortunately they are both oppressed by another man, my mortal enemy. It hurts to even speak his name. Alas, he is very powerful, and so far I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to liberate them. Normally I would be loathe to ask a green insect-like creature from a comic book for advice, but I am at my wits' end and have no other course of action available to me. What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Blue Thunder
Cell says: Blue Thunder, first off let me advise you about monogamy. You say you are in love with two girls. The world will tell you that this is wrong and bad, but don't listen. If you can handle two women, if you actually WANT two women, then by all means go for it. Monogamy is outdated.
Next up, your enemy. If you cannot beat him face-to-face, then use every dirty trick you can think of. If he's that popular with the ladies, then surely there are other girls interested in him, and surely they have other suitors who you can team up with. Ask around town, and find some of his enemies. Ally yourself with them and attack him as a group. Perhaps this will help.
By the way, I don't appreciate that "green insect-like creature" comment. I have traced this e-mail and will be over soon to... "talk" to you about that.
Dearest Cell-sama,
I am in love with someone. Sadly, he will not acknowledge my affection. He says he hates me and that he wants me to leave him alone, and he frequently beats me up. But I love him! I cannot bear to live without him! I would do anything for him! I love yo- uhh, I mean, him! What can I do to get my honeybunch to accept my affections.
-Getting the Cold Shoulder
Cell says: You can't. Leave him alone. No means no. A restraining order is the law. Stop stalking me, you lizard-freak.
Yeah, Cell? I got a problem. I'm unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job an all, but she treats me like a little boy! All I get is "your pa this" and "your pa that" and "you ain't a real man, Toni" and it's driving me freakin' nuts!!
My ma, she keeps going, "Toni, Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!" But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me. Show that... she loves me! And you know... say I was a good kid! But it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?
Signed,
My Name Ain't Toni
Cell says: Well, "Toni," you need to lay down the law with her. Say, "Listen here, bitch! I'm a man and I demand you treat me with respect, or I'll have you in the old folks' home faster than you can say 'false teeth!' And I'll make damn sure they DON'T resuscitate!" You're a grown man, but you'll never get the respect you deserve until you DEMAND it. People don't just GIVE you respect, you have to TAKE it. And usually, for me, at least, this involves beating the crap out of them. And I'm sure you know a little something about that, Toni.
So long for now. Maybe I'll answer some more questions next time. I'll also tell you about my newest movie idea, "K-9 Teen: The Widowmaker"! See you later.
current mood: arrogant
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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12:37 pm - The Story Thus Far
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I've been quite busy lately. Mostly flying out to Hollywood to meet with movie execs, and avoiding Freeza. Pre-production has already begun on several of my scripts. I'll go over them and their tentative release dates.
untitled - Tentative release date: Christmas 2002. This is the story of everyman (portrayed by me), who feels alone and isolated on his home planet, because he killed everyone. So he comes to Earth and learns all about Christmas from a little orphan boy (possibly potrayed by Haley Joel Osmond). It's a film for the whole family, and will probably be rated PG or PG-13. Unfortunately, it will be going up against The Two Towers, which is why I started that ridiculous petition. Heh. >:)
The King of Hearts - Tentative release date: Valentine's Day, 2003. A ghetto pimp (portrayed by me) learns a lesson in love when five of his ex-girlfriends (and ex-ho's) gather together to teach him a lesson in love. Ex-girlfriends and ho's possibly portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, Julia Stiles, and Reese Witherspoon. It will probably be rated PG-13 or R.
Icy Grave - Tentative release date: Summer 2003. An average scientist (portrayed by me) in northern Alaska is forced to become a hero when the colony is taken over by eco-terrorists. Ends with a climactic battle with the super-powered genetically-engineered leader of the eco-terrorists (possibly portrayed by Christopher Walken). It will most likely be rated R.
I also have a TV series in development for this fall, which is about a good-natured kid from the country (portrayed by me) who moves to Los Angeles to become an actor. The main love interest will probably be played by Tea Leoni.
That's all I'm legally allowed to say about my upcoming works, but keep checking back here and I may have some more information. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with James Cameron in about a half-hour, and a meeting with Steven Spielberg in three hours, so I must be off.
current mood: arrogant
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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11:13 am
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I Am A: Chaotic Evil Human Fighter Paladin
Alignment:
Chaotic Evil characters are the most 'evil' people out there. They are willing to do anything to get ahead, and will kill anyone who stands in their way. A chaotic evil person sees no value in order and governments, and believes to the utmost in the tenant that 'Might Makes Right'.
Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.
Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.
Secondary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)
Nonsense. An Anti-Paladin, maybe. Except I won't be controlled by a Priest. They got the Chaotic Evil right, though. And I guess Human is pretty close, since Saiya-jin and Artificial Human were not options.
( details )
current mood: arrogant
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
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12:06 am
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Tommo, Yotto, and I are back from our "vacation".
I got tired of Freeza stalking me, so I flew out to California for a while and laid low. I didn't tell anyone where I was going.
While I was out there I bought a computer. I didn't post anything here, because I didn't want anyone, especially Freeza, knowing what I was up to.
Since I didn't have anything else to do (other than train), I decided to try my hand at writing. So I cranked out a few screenplays and pitched them to some studio bigwigs. They bought one of them for an obscene amount of money, so it seems I have talent (well, maybe not; selling a screenplay doesn't equal talent, at least not in Hollywood; a look at any movie magazine at any time can tell you that) and that I have found a decent way to make money without working.
Tommo and Yotto wanted me to buy them a Playstation 2, so I blasted them.
I'm in pretty regular contact with the studio heads concerning my movie, so I'll be sure to post any new tidbits and developments here first.
I also got an unlisted number so Freeza can't call me. Leave me alone, Freeza.
current mood: arrogant
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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